Audition Notice: Silly Cow
A play by Ben Elton
Directed by Faeron Wheeler for Claremont Dramatic Society
Audition: Sunday 22 May, 14:30
Place: The Hok, Thicket Street, Claremont, 7708
Production dates:
21–29 October 2016
Aiming to start rehearsals in the last week of June. Rehearsals will be two evenings during the week and Sunday afternoon. This will be discussed and agreed upon once the cast is set.
More about the play:
Silly Cow was written by Ben Elton and originally performed in London in 1991. The story revolves around Doris, a rather nasty, over-the-top creature who writes gossip columns for a well-known newspaper. Doris is currently being sued by an actress who claims that her career was ruined after a review written by Doris came out.
The first half of the play is chaotic as everyone wants something from Doris while she is trying to get ready to go to court. However, everything seems to be going right for Doris – a new, lucrative job offer from Sydney, her accounts in order thanks to Douglas, her toy boy Eduardo has brought some drugs to celebrate with later, and Peggy is keeping everything in order. Or so she thinks.
In the second half of the play, things start to unravel. Doris may have won her court case, but everything else is going wrong. The play ends with a rather wicked and funny twist.
What to prepare for the audition:
Please prepare the below monologue in two very different characters. You don’t need to know the monologue off by heart, you can read on the day. However, there must be evidence of preparation and two distinct characters (real people not caricatures) in each performance. After the monologue, you will be asked to do some cold readings from the script.
For the ladies
The beginning. Well, beginnings are always beautiful. Beginnings are… OK, do you know Breakfast at Tiffany’s? The film, not the novella. I know, there’s a novella. Who knew? The beginning. Audrey Hepburn, the most beautiful person ever. Gets out of the cab. In Givenchy. Quadruple strand of pearls. And she walks to the window of Tiffany’s. Again with the beautiful. And then the melody of “Moon River” wafts in. The beauty quotient is excessively high.
For the men
You remember Lord Carlsbad? Lonely old bugger. Lots of money. No children. Well, I’d spoken kindly to him on occasion, even took him out to dinner once or twice. He was so grateful that one day, quite out of the blue, he promised to make me his sole heir. His sole heir! He’s worth millions, you understand! I couldn’t believe my luck. I hadn’t asked for it—never thought of it, really—but from that day forward, in order to show my appreciation, you know, I began to spend practically every waking moment in his company.
Cast:
General notes:
- British accents are a must. The play is set in London, but any British accent will do. Please come to the audition with an accent ready to go (or at least getting there).
- The age ranges are a guideline. If you feel you can do the character justice but don’t fit the ages in the description, please contact me to see if it will work.
Characters:
- Doris (female, 35-45): Lead. Doris is larger than life. She is the epitome of money can’t buy taste or class. She has made quite a name for herself as a gossip columnist and “reviewer” of plays and movies. Her articles are nasty and mean spirited – all in an attempt to sensationalise any piece of potential news and gain readers. She firmly believes that she has worked hard to get to the top of her industry and deserves to be famous and have all the trappings of a wealthy and fabulous lifestyle. Doris dresses head to toe in sequins, glitter and feathers.
- Sydney (male, 35-45): Lead. In many ways Sydney is Doris’ equal. He is also gossip columnist and has as nasty a sense of humour as Doris. However, he is far less ostentatious if still on the greasy and unpleasant side. He has a keen sense for the business side of running a newspaper or magazine and is trying to poach Doris from her current job to work for the new online magazine he is setting up. (Sydney has spent a lot of time in the USA, so I may consider an American accent for this character if that is easier for the actor.)
- Peggy (female, 25-35): Support. Peggy is Doris’ personal assistant. She is the opposite of Doris in almost every way – far quieter, conservative in her dress and manner, and a little on the mousey side. Peggy does have a certain strength to her character as she is sure of her duties and protective over Doris when others attack her character.
- Douglas (male, 35-50): Support. Douglas is the nerdy accountant complete with tweedy jacket and large, scuffed briefcase. He is very good at what he does and enjoys the position of trust and authority that he has. For some reason, he seems to have a slight soft spot for Doris.
- Eduardo (male, 20-25): Support. Eduardo is the cocky, young, toy boy dating Doris. He is a typical London yob and thinks that he is the coolest person in any room. He is dating Doris because of the clubs she can get him into and Doris is dating him to look cool and young by association.
If you have any queries about the audition notice, please contact Faeron Wheeler on faerie452@gmail.com or 073 395 4457.
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